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Honesty 

All the feelings that are trapped inside. I just don’t know how to think, or how to feel any more. Happiness is quickly followed by sadness, in a continuous circuit I can’t seem to break. And everything that’s going on, seemingly getting worse, makes everything seem much bigger than it is. I’m worrying about the little things, that shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t mean as much to me as they do. 

I just want it all to end, disappear somehow, to go into nothingness, forget what’s happened, just to not think of anything. I want it to be over, because I can’t stand this space I’m in. I want to be able to scream and shout, say everything that’s in my head, but I can’t. I’m not that person. I’m the one that cares more for how you feel, and not wanting to upset anyone, even if it will make me feel worse in the long run. 

I feel like I can do so much more, to get out of the situation, but doing that will kill me inside, a sudden death, unlike the slow one that’s going on inside me now. It’s the hardest thing, that has crossed my mind so many times, and I’ve been so close to doing it, but I can never follow through.

Taking every day, day by day, I just have to get through them. Blame myself for all the feelings, try to block all my thoughts, or it makes it even worse. Just have to try, because I know I can get through this. I know I can.

*Added 16th Feb*

I need to stop this, whenever I’m alone, or have nothing on my mind, these feelings spill into me. It’s not something I can stop though, it’s not something that I can “cheer up” from. It’s burnt into me. It’s a permanant change that’s running through my bloodstream. The light that I once saw to get out of this, seems to be turned off.

I’ve rethought everything that’s happened, and believe it was destined to be like this anyway. It was my fault it started, even from the beginning. I did the one thing I promised myself that I would never do again, and I did it, without a look back. Until now. I hate myself. For everything. And I hate you too, well not you. That’s what’s confusing me. I want to hate you, and sometimes I believe that I do, I think up what to say, it hits me how I feel, what I’ve realised, and what I want to do about it. But my mind hits a wall. A physical wall. I’m totally blocked from doing it, and there’s nothing I can even do about it. 

Everything was too quick. It wasn’t what was meant to happen, it was supposed to be the other option. I know that now, and I know that I won’t make the same mistake again. I have to be strong, show my best fake smile, and pretend that none of this is real, because I can’t deal with it all, all the explaining, saying that everything isn’t good - at all. Even if my mind has changed drastically since the beginning, I have to put it all behind me, lock up the feelings, pretend they aren’t there.

My aim is just to ignore it all, walk away if I have to, because showing the true feelings is weakness, and I’m already having to hold myself together.

I feel so scared. The urge is so strong, and hard to fight. It scares the shit out of me. But that’s good in a sense, because it makes me stop and think about what I’m doing. Makes me see clearly.

I don’t want to be that close again. Ever. I’m so glad I have that one person in my life that I know will always be here for me. If it wasn’t for them, god knows what I’d be doing right now..

If I believed what you said, all the promises, I’d be no where. You proved yourself tonight. I can’t rely on you. At all. You’re a let down. You’re not here for me any more. You never will be, cause things just aren’t the same any more. I see it all now. Things aren’t going to go back to how they were, however much I want them to, because we’re different people now, and I can’t go through it all again, it’s hard enough as it is.

*Added 18th Feb*

OK. I got it wrong, I’m sorry. Maybe you are there for me. But I was right about it not being the same, because you have to admit, it’s not. We both have our own problems, that get in the way, and it’s hard for us to help each other. I try my best, but my heads always elsewhere and there’s things that I’m just not sure if I can tell you any more.

I thought I had it all figured out yesterday, I was sure of my feelings for once, everything that you said for me to feel; I felt. All of it. And it was horrible, such anger built up inside me. But that didn’t last long. I can’t stay mad at you, it’s impossible. You made me forget. Made me feel compassionate. One thing I didn’t expect. 

But then I did the thing that I wanted least. I got that close. But then I went through with it. It was a weak moment for me, but it made me feel strong. It felt good, for a brief moment my head was clear, and my mind was only on what I was doing. But that didn’t last long. It scared me. A lot. I had to just sit taking deep breaths, gently rocking for a while to calm myself down. It’s the first step, to what I fear, will be many more times. Of course I don’t want that to happen, but I fear it will, and that it will be my only vice to help me through this all.

I want to tell you everything that I’m feeling. But I’ve tried before, and we have such different views on it all. Obviously I think I’m right. I have all the signs, and I know deep down that this isn’t something simply caused by stress, or because of what’s happened recently; it’s something so much more. If only you’d have believed me fully, when I bought it up, then I would tell you everything, even what happened last night. It’s so hard. I want to be able to look up to you as a role model, and in some ways I do I guess, but in others I don’t. I don’t want to be in a relationship like you. Ever. Can’t you see what he’s really like? How he always has been, and always will. All you can see is his good side, the side he wants people to believe is him all the time. Which is such a lie. He’s hurt you so much, and your the hypocritical one, telling me what to do about my relationships, which are in no way on the same level. You get worried if he doesn’t answer within a hour or so, thinking something bad has happened. You both have to know what the other is doing every second of the day, it’s pretty pathetic. I want you to be happy. But I don’t want you to be controlled either. 

Everything has changed so much since this all started. I think and see differently now. Everything is more confusing, harder to understand and sort out. You say how strong I am, but I don’t feel it at all. To me this is all weakness. The way I think, things I’ve said and the things I’ve resorted to doing. You should see me at my worst. When it feels like I’m physically going to fall apart from the inside out, I have to hold my ribs tightly to make sure I don’t. It’s the only comfort I have. How can you say that’s being strong?

I really don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. Looking at all those things. It reminds me of the good times, that I miss, but also what kind of a person I used to be. I can’t believe what I did, a year ago. How did I think like that? Why did I throw all that I said away? It makes me sad reading through it, yet I still trudge through, remembering it as if it was yesterday. 

I blame it all on my mind. That’s the source of this. It twists my thoughts, making them things that they’re not. Blinds me into thinking that I feel one thing, when really I feel the other. It’s the root of all of this, none of it is real, it’s just what my mind wants me to think. I have to clear through the fog, power through my thoughts, and see what is real again. Only then can I begin to be happy again.

*Added 20th Feb*

Wow. You always surprise me. I was wrong, yet again, and I’m so glad. Things seem to be just as they were before, and it feels so good. Everything is so natural, and easy again. I know I can tell you anything, and that you are here for me, always. Can’t believe it still. But I can honestly say, right now, that I am happy :)

*Added 21st Feb*

Everything’s back to before. Feel like shit for no reason. Want to curl up and hide forever. Don’t want to be alone, but don’t want to talk to people either. Not eating properly. Having the need to cry, but never being able to.

It seems worse tonight. No clue how, it’s hard enough as it was. 

All the emotions are mixed in with random pains, illness, and urges. Tonight I acted on one, again. The one that I thought I’d scared myself out of. I had to though. It’s what my body wanted, it’s the only thing that would’ve calmed me. That’s the surprising thing. After, I feel calm, what is with that? Last time I felt scared - really scared, and now it’s like I’m welcoming it. It is pleasant though..in a weird twisted sense, it feels good. It’s not till after that I realise what’s happened, and feel it, like it’s burnt into my skin. All I can do is sit, sit and wait, until tiredness over comes me. Although, even then, there’s no definite chance that sleep will take me over. See, how ever tired I think I feel while on here, as soon as I’m ready for sleep to fill my senses, it can’t. It’s not like I’m not tired any more, or have lots on my mind, I just can’t get to sleep. 

But tonight I have a feeling I won’t get much at all. The feelings, the tears that I can literally feel welling up inside of me, and the pain of what I have just done. Why oh why? I thought things were on the up, I finally had hope. But now the waves have come crashing down around me. Of course things now won’t be as I hoped. You’ll change your mind again, and go back to how things were before. I’ll go back to staying in bed, people trying to do anything for me, but nothing helping, and all my conversations, gradually ending. Can’t wait for the next few days. Better charge my phone in the morning, I have a feeling I may need music tomorrow.

*Added 22nd Feb*

Hmm. Not liking this one bit. Everything is just like before. I’m just not myself any more, this isn’t me..this isn’t any part of me. I feel like an empty shell, being controlled by some other being, while all I can do is stand and watch, taking on all the emotions. I admit I need help. I know I do. I can’t go on much longer like this.

I’ve told you but a slice of what’s going on, and you already think I should see someone. What would have happened if i’d have shown you… I feel like I should, but I have no clue how to even begin that conversation..

I liked how things were the other day, and I want it all to be as easy as it was, I really do. Though however hard I will myself to try, it doesn’t turn out that way, my brain tells me I’m disinterested, tells me not to talk, make conversations awkward, and that I want to just be alone curled up in a corner.

And I hate how much I feel like I don’t fit in. Everyone’s split off into their own little groups, and I’m left to hop to and from each one, not really fitting in anywhere, just doing it to see one person, then being ditched, and left alone. You say, why not talk to me, I mean I like it, yes, but it messes other things up.. At least then I had you, and before that we had our friend group. But, it’s all different now. ‘You don’t know what you got till it’s gone’ Story of my fucking life. Period.

*Added 23rd Feb*

Well today was great. Started out okay I guess. The whole friend situation is totally out of hand to be honest. I just hate it at break and lunch now..I’ll leave it at that.

Then there’s the fact that I get upset at school. I could totally handle it, if I had some kind of comfort that helped me through it, but I don’t, not any more. And there’s so many triggers now, that I can’t do anything without being taken over.

I could just about handle myself. Until you made that comment. I mean, fair enough, many people think the same, even I used to, but it’s not something to joke about. You saying that, made me want to. The thing I’ve been trying not to think about so much, and it a) makes me think of it b) makes me want to and c) makes me angry that so many people don’t understand, and then joke about it. It’s a pretty serious thing, that no one will ever be able to understand unless you’ve been there yourself. The thoughts that go through your head, the feeling that it’s the only way to stop them, the only way to get through. You end up rocking thinking about it, going into a sort of trance. I understand it. I know that it’s not just for attention, or the fun of it.

I have so many regrets. Things I’ve done, said, and even some of the things I’ve typed on here. All I seem do have done recently are things that have had a negative impact on me or others. 

I should have reached out to you. I wanted to, and I was so close, but then things got in the way, and we got separated. That moment will never come again, I know it.

And things have already started to happen. I know that it seems like I saw it coming, but it still doesn’t stop the way I feel. I’m so confused about it all.

I try to hide my body language, think about everything before I do it, even down to where I look when I walk. It seems stupid, but it’s just who I’ve become. In some ways I want to, but I feel that it’s not me, not any more anyway. And my mind tells me no to look, not to do this, do that. Then there’s you, one who’s totally obliviousness to how this is for me, then the other, who’s trying to edge me away. But it’s not what I want. It’s just too hard. Too close for me. Too much of a trigger. 

I’ve learnt to show one feeling - the sad look that I wear on my face most days. No one sees the others. No one see the moments of anger that cause me to shake with rage. No one sees the lust, that burns deep inside me. No one sees the scared moments, of self-comfort. And no one will ever see the pain of what has become of me.

*Added 24th Feb*

Well some of today was alright. In the morning all I could remember was yesterday. The comment, how it made me feel..That was rather shite. Although it was nice that you cared, I’ve missed that, it’s been too long since we’ve spoken. If only we could become close again; but that will never happen.

Tonight I was ok, I could deal with how I felt. But that’s when it hit me. The heart beating faster, the fear, the urge. You don’t know how much you helped me with those few words. The deep breaths and tears stopped me from doing anything, I just had to stay calm. Then as soon as it came, it was like I clicked, and I was happy again.

*Added 25th Feb*

GAH. Why can’t my brain pick a feeling and stick with it. Morning sad, then happy. Lunch happy with the bessie. The the weirdest thing happened walking through town. The whole “I can be surrounded by a sea of people, and still feel all alone” thing, but panic, shortness of breathe, headache and incredible sadness too..Wasn’t much fun. Sadness on the bus. Broke down at home, gave in.

I can never be like that. It’s not who I am. And I can tell that it’s what you need right now. 

I’m in an internal battle constantly. Give up..give in..stay fighting..ignore it all..And I still have no clue what I’m going to do. I guess I’ll just flow with it, noticing all the things that make me feel bad about myself, you and/or you(p). 

I just can’t read enough into it to understand. That’s all I want. To understand. At least then I know where I stand. Now, I’m just guessing. 

I think it’s time to break out the new me.

The pessimistic, unhopeful, underanalysing me. That way if things don’t go my way I’ll expect it, and if something good happens, it will be even better.

I seem to regret that day more and more as the days go past.. Especially at times like this. Before I knew what to say, it came easily. Now I have no clue. It’s all so alien to me.

*Added 26th Feb*

Okay that must have been the quickest transition yet. All it takes is that one moment, and I turn. Tears, self comforting, heart quickening; a shaking mess. Yay. 

Lips dry, unable to catch breath, lump in throat, shaking and the need to hurt myself..this should be fun.

I want to give up. I really, really do. But I just can’t. I’m stuck, and I can’t see anyway out. If there was anyway out of the situation, I would take it. Whatever I had to do. Because I hate it where I am. I can’t do anything right. And everything ends badly. I need to get away, see no one for months on end, get everything out of my system. Scream, shout, throw things around. But being by myself won’t be any good. Within hours I’ll go mad. Hurt myself. Starve myself. Do anything to stop the thoughts entering my head, as they always do, and I fear, always will.

How the fuck do you know how I feel? When I say I’m no different to how I was, I mean it. You saying “Oh I think you are (happier)” does not help anything. It makes me angry that you think that. It’s called a brave face. I need contact to keep me from doing what I don’t want to. And I can only keep that up if I seem happy.

*Added 2nd Mar*

Please. Please. Please. I’ve been alright the last few days. I don’t want a relapse now..not when I was so close to grasping hold of my old self..

*Added 5th Mar*

Well that night was horrible…

Anyway, today. Been feeling alright the last few days. But I hate all the feelings. I’ve been trying my best, I really have, but obviously you only realise when I slip up. I don’t want to upset anyone. But I feel that in doing that, I’m lying to myself, and in the end it will my feelings that are hurt the most. I shy away from what I want most, not just for your benefit, but also for mine. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t think I could handle it..it would be the trigger to what you fear most.

*Added 7th Mar*

Okay, now I don’t know what to do to get through this..I have to not act like myself to not let others get hurt, and in the long run myself. For you I have to hide, try to ignore it, cause in the end it can only end in sadness, even if it is the only way out of this. And then there’s you. You’re always nice, and always there for me, but as you said today, it’s only because you like me. I can’t deal with it all, I just want to remove myself from both situations, but I can’t. I see no way out. I’ll just have to trudge through, feeling like this, trying to fight the urge each time it comes around. And it does. Each time unexpectedly..but it hits me, and I have to do something about it, or I know it’ll get worse. I get the brief moments of it more often now, the faraway buzz of it at the back of my head..

*Added 9th Mar*

Well. I set myself a task, to at least get out of one of the situations..even if it does end with me being sad in the end. It’s the right thing to do, because I can’t carry on how I am; it’s not fair, even if you don’t see it now. So, I’ve been trying, I really have, but it’s so hard for me. Each little thing, that I should be happy about - I’m not. Each little thing that I should want to stop, to be able to do this - I don’t..It makes me kinda happy when it happens. You don’t really help the matter, but in the back of my mind, I know that I want you to carry on. 

I find it so easy to type out my feelings, write them on paper, and think them in my head. But when it comes down to trying to tell someone who can help, or even the thought, I slowly melt. I’m not strong enough to. My mind tells me that I don’t need them. That the happy days will last, and that I won’t get bad again. Of course they’re both lies..I know it really, but I can’t fully admit it to myself. I need to get the confidence to do something about it, but I really don’t like the idea of telling a stranger all these feelings, that still feel new to me. I find it easier to help others around me, than to help myself.

This is my problem. I think of other people too much. I put everyone else’s feelings, before my own. Doing things for their sake, to make sure I upset no one, even if I don’t want to do it, and don’t think they deserve what I’m doing for them. I never tell anyone that my motives are because of them, probably because they’d tell me not to..or feel some kind of pitty for me. I don’t want that. 

I hate being this weak. Nothing but a shadow of my former self. And even in the moments where I feel myself, the threads holding me together are slowing being torn away. So each time, is less, and less like me.

What happened to me? Why is this happening? How can I stop it? These questions are constantly on my mind..I just want answers, is that such a difficult request?

*Added 10th Mar*

I’m sat here, taking deep breaths, trying to stop the tears that are inevitably going to fall any minute now. Why do I let myself get like this? Over stupid reasons. 

Had a realisation today..well a few days again, but I’ve expanded on it. It’s obvious that you’ve changed your mind since that night, and I’m forgotten about. I’d be fine with it if you’d have said something to me. But you haven’t. You’ve gone on as usual, adding in the odd thing that makes me think that maybe you haven’t, just to play around with me that bit more. You’ve said that you’re sorry, but I don’t get why you continuously do it over and over again. Is your plan to completely break me? Because if it is, you’re doing a mighty fine job of doing just that. You have no clue what I’m feeling inside right now. There’s a burning hate, that seems to get stronger and stronger, as I think of you more. You’re toying me along, when inside I know that it’s not what you want. Just pick a side, and stay at it for God’s sake. I get used to one thing, and as soon as I do, you change your mind about one thing or another. I wish I could avoid you, and not have to see you anymore. But I have to. And each time it gets harder.

*Added 11th Mar*

Wow. I really was emotional last night. I guess I feel pretty much the same..But it’s much harder to obtain that state of mind. I’m just not that strong and don’t think I can hold this up much longer, and if I do, it may break me in the process… 

I can’t do it anymore. Any of it. It’t just too hard.

Why does it have to be like this? All these thoughts, that I think are my own, but they’re really not. I realise that after, when it’s too late.

I’m sorry for everything. I really am. I’m the hypocrite, and I see that. I’ve done things that I regret, and I just keep adding to them. I can’t seem to stop.

And what’s with this happening again, in one night?..Isn’t once enough :’(

It’s always the same with you. Through the years things get repeated, I hadn’t noticed till now.. 

*Added 13th Mar*

Today was rather rough..No clue what to do about..that..now. I guess I’ll just have to see how things go, if it gets worse again, work it out from there, but I can handle things atm..I think.

That was rather shocking. But I’m trying to work out why. I think I have a reason, however rash it sounds in my head..I don’t know why nothing was said before, before it got this worse? But I don’t think you realise how serious it is..it’s like it’s half a joke to you…And the reaction didn’t really help much, it wasn’t handled well at all. Although, being that close, it must have been hard. It’s trying to picture it from both sides, and know what to say. I’ve said I’m here for you anytime, I completely understand your motions, I just want to help with the reasons why.

So..After that, I decided that I needed help to get over all my feelings. I bit the bullet and went to see someone, even if I was shaking all the way, and burst into tears as soon as I started speaking. Just that time didn’t really help me much sorting it out, but it layed down some of the things going through my mind. I realised that some things that have been going on for years, have been effecting me, and I didn’t even know until that chat. I’m surprised my mind hasn’t exploded yet, there’s a lot of things going on in there; I hadn’t realised. No clue how I’ve coped till now..

I’ve taken the first step. I just need to carry on; because I know I can get through this. I can get the old me back, and I will be happy again.

*Added 14th Mar*

I really can not concentrate tonight, I think it may just be because I have lots of my mind..hopefully writing this will help me out.

Don’t really know where to start..here’s where my mind sarcastically says “the beginning”..but that’s easier said than done, when I can’t seem to sort out what was the beginning. I think that it all started this morning, I generally woke up in a not very good mood. Started feeling ill at lunch..have to take tablets the next few days. Got ignored for a while, which wasn’t fun, because it meant I started thinking; never a good idea. So all the way out of school with you I was miserable - I’m never miserable around you, you always manage to cheer me up, but this time it wasn’t possible.

Had to put on my best false smile all the way through dance. But with all the feelings, thoughts, aches, illness, pains, and clicks, it wasn’t easy..Especially the comment you made. I was just about handling it, but that was too much. Why’d you say it when you know how I feel? You’ve said something like that before, which surely you must have seen upset me?..And after I told you what I said, about what’s happening with me, and how I feel about it all, how could you say that? I really don’t understand. I know what it’s probably true, but no need to point it out, and support it so much.

I just don’t know what I’m meant to think and feel. I’m so up and down about it all, that I swear I feel both things at once. How is that possible, when they’re so opposite? Yet the line is so fine. 

UGH. Just need to get away from it all “/ from everyone.

*Added 16th Mar*

Well most of today was good. But conversations have put me in a foul mood. 

*Added 17th Mar*

Couldn’t write last night, was in a too much of a mood. You just added to the mess that is my life at the moment. And you said that, just as I’d explained everything that already has me in a tizz. You think you know what you’re on about, but you really don’t.

Love isn’t about finding someone “fit”. It’s about way more than that. It’s about liking every aspect of a person, even their flaws, if you even notice them that it. It’s about really knowing them, like you’ve never known anyone before, knowing how they’re feeling, or what they’re thinking, just by seeing one glance at them.  It’s knowing small things, like their favourite song, or what food they hate. It’s having them constantly on your mind, however much you try not to think of them.

You say about not being immature, and that age really doesn’t matter, but everything you said proved yourself wrong.

Today has been horrible so far..and it’s only 2. Had a break down in town, of all places. Saw that one thing. Had to dive into a shop, where I then couldn’t breathe and my heart started racing. Why?..I have no clue. Couldn’t stop thinking of it, eyes watering while walking around. Had to leave my dad, walk to the other side of town, with tears ready to come any second. It was the hardest thing, but I didn’t want to loose it infront of a load of strangers, and run the risk of someone I know seeing me. Thank God you were there, even if as soon as I saw you I broke down. Just to have you hug me and say you were there for me, was the comfort I needed. I have no clue why it happened; but it did. What’s wrong with me? How could that one look cause so much to happen? I really don’t get it. I don’t want to feel like this, I really don’t, but it keeps happening..

I don’t think I can stand this much longer. Nothing seems to bring me any peace, and everything seems to be getting worse. Everyday things, I can’t handle anymore. I want to disappear Have an everlasting sleep, with nothing to harm me, and make me feel this way.

*Added 18th Mar*

Didn’t talk much at all last night; didn’t feel like talking to people. Then cried myself to sleep. So all in all - a crap night.

Woke up this morning after having a dream that I was on some kind of death row. The last 5 minutes of conversation made me so happy. How is it that in 5 minutes before death, in a dream I can be happier then being awake, with my whole life ahead of me..

And it’s ironic how what I once thought would make me happy, and was the right choice at the time, had such the opposite effect when it finally happened. Well not ironic really, more moronic on my side of things.

I really wish things weren’t like this. I really miss how things used to be. It was so easy, even if I didn’t realise it at the time. Desperately want my old life back. I hate how awkward I’ve become, how the confidence I thought I had built, is now so forced and over-thought, how emotion can over-come me so quick, how I feel like I’m loosing myself, and I have absolutely no control over any of it.

I wonder if anyone reads this. I wonder if anyone cares.

Because it feels like I’m at it alone. Swimming against the currents, that are never-ending. No one knows what to say, except you. You could hold it back, at least a bit, from taking me over. But now, it’s different. I just have to take everyday as it comes. Hoping that it won’t come over me suddenly. Hoping I won’t do anything that I’ll regret later. And hoping that it won’t get worse, because I’m already in way over my head.

*Added 21st Mar*

I want to be able to understand. I really do. It doesn’t matter what I’m feeling, but suddenly I click, and the sadness rushes over me. Just like tonight. I thought I was fine. But the more I think about it all, the more I realise it really isn’t. I need to say something, like I have about all the others issues. But I can’t. The words just won’t form in my mouth.

Forever thinking about how my actions will make others feel, instead of which will make me happy.

I have no clue what I’ve been listening to the last hour or so. Think I’ve just sort of blanked out a bit. Trying to contain my emotion, clenched jaw, to try and stop the tears, that can’t decide if they’re going to fall or not. I think I need to let them, but all I get is one tear that rolls down a cheek. That doesn’t let out any emotion at all. Ugh. I need this. I really do. Because I need some kind of outlet, and other options aren’t exactly favourable. 

I just sat. Took everything in, trying to make sense of some part of my life, because as you said; none of it is straight forward. I realised a lot of things about it, that I’m not sure you realise. It’s not how I once thought it was. It’s not you. You’ve just fallen into the trap. Which just makes it worse. Because I definitely can not say anything now. It would ruin everything. Not that there’s much there anyway. 

I feel like someone has hold of my life, and is ripping up each part. Slowly. To make sure I feel each tear internally. Each bit of pain. Both mentally, and emotionally. Make sure I’m aware of what’s happening, but it’s so deep down that I don’t understand it at all. And there’s no way to stop it. I’m handcuffed in my own mind. Unable to do anything about it all. Because that would be too easy. Internal pain, then release. No. It has to get worse instead. Because that’s more fun. Making it harder and harder on me, even though I can’t deal with any of it, and feel like I could break any minute. I want out. Where’s my safe word? Where’s my time out? I need something. This can’t go on much longer, because I’m slipping away. The longer this drags on, the less there will be of be to come back to.

…I had to. It was the only way.

*Added 22nd Mar*

This morning wasn’t too great. I let myself down last night - big time. I know it, and I really need to change, but it’s just so hard. I need help, but it’s just not there when I need it most.

I feel like I’m not even a part of my life anymore. I’m on the sideline, watching it all happen before me. I’m not even my own person anymore. I’m just watching everyone else’s lives go by, taking in each little detail that even they probably don’t notice.

I need to get stronger mentally, because I keep coming over tearful, with no real reason, just all the little things that have accumulated over the years. I get to the stage where I can’t really talk, or look anyone in the eye, because if I do, I’ll break, and the tears will come rolling. Music is my only escape. It gives me something to concentrate on. An excuse to not talk to anyone. To try and contain myself, before I have to talk to people. But it’s not just that. I need to be strong for you. The people who are there for me, also need me in return, I have to be strong enough for you, whether it be I’m someone to confide in, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone who you know will be there for you. Which I am - always. I hope you know that. I can’t do that if I’m not strong. I just about managed today, but my mind loves to remind me of how I’m feeling afterwards. Took a lot to not fall apart, but I managed best I could.

That one thing is just out of reach. But I’ve got to realise. It’s not mine to reach for anymore. I need to sort myself out. Find other ways to deal with this. But nothing seems to be working. No one seems to be able to make an impact on me. I need what I can’t have. So I guess I’m stuck like this.

Jealously. Self loathing. Regret. Nostalgia. Abandonment. Confusion. Why must you fog my mind at this time of night :(

*Added 23rd Mar*

Today’s been a yo-yo day, my mood’s been up and down like crazy.

Been stuck on a low for hours now though. 

You’ll never understand. Not that you’re remotely interested.

That was a lie. I totally believed it at the time..how stupid of me.

The thoughts are getting worse..and harder to handle.

I need to get used to this, only having myself to cheer myself up out of my moods, because things will never be the same, and this is the way it has to be. I need to be able to do it. However impossible it seems to me; because I’ve never managed it before.

That memory is one of the things that gets me through. The thought of one day feeling like that again. It’s all I want… Just to feel again would be nice. I’m sick of the numbness that I’ve gotten so used to.

I feel like I have to hold myself more, hug myself, hold my hand etc. There’s no one anymore where things like this mean anything to me, so I have to settle for self-comfort. Not that it helps. But I guess it’s the thought that counts?..right..

*Added 24th Mar*

Crap mood all day so far. Woke up feeling horrible. When I got up I felt so dizzy, and the sight of food made me feel ill. Got back into back and couldn’t concentrate on anything, only being completely unhappy. Had to try and comfort and cheer myself up, because mum was out. Sat hugging my knees, lying like a foetus and hugging my quilt, but nothing was helping. The only thing that offered me slight comfort was when I couldn’t quite breathe properly under my quilt..

Had to get up, dressed etc. Hot bath didn’t help relax me, or clear my head at all. Phone to dad did a little bit. But then you rang. Hearing you like that..it was horrifying. I hate it when you’re like that, hearing you at your lowest, because of him. And I couldn’t even do anything about it, because you were hours away. I was so weak, but I had to act strong for you, you needed me. But as soon as we hung up, I started falling to pieces. Couldn’t find anyone to talk to to help me, so I was back to comforting myself; which didn’t end well. Lying like a foetus on the landing, with wet hair over my face, shaking, breathing too quickly and deeply, and letting the long-awaited tears fall. Not that it helped much..my mood was still bad afterwards.

Couldn’t get calm until I did what I did. I can’t stand it, but it’s the only way. Nothing else will work anymore. Literally. Nothing. My old method is no longer available/ reliable. So this will have to do. I’m scared, I really am. I don’t think you understand that. You just say how it hurts you; which doesn’t help me in the slightest. I know you mean well, but it’s not the way to go about it. I need someone, desperately. After last nights thoughts, I need someone that is able to calm me down, talk me out of things, cheer me up, and always be there for me. That’s a hefty order, that just isn’t reasonable. I know that. That’s why I’m trying to get stronger. I’m able to take more pain, which isn’t a good thing. There shouldn’t be the pain to start with.  

I just wish there was someone out there to help me, because you’re just not enough.

Had a heart-to-heart with you today. Tried to help you, but I didn’t really know what to say at all, even when you asked me how I feel about it all. I don’t really know, and I don’t care which way things go, I just want you to be happy, because seeing you like this, crying in my arms, is what annoys me most, as it’s all his fault. I can accept him, if he makes you happy, and doesn’t do anything like this again, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to happen.

You both don’t know fully how I feel, and how many things are making me feel like this, but you kind of understand things a bit more I think. We’re quite similar. After seeing but a glimpse of what I see day-to-day, I think you see where I’m coming from, but you don’t know the full extent of what impact it has on me. Although, I do believe you know how I feel about it, because I think we both feel more, or less the same. However I feel that it’s slightly easier for you, (even though it probably isn’t, I haven’t live enough to know)..as in my eyes it’s pretty predictable. I can see what will happen, because things keep repeating themselves, and I know that things will go back to how they were, sooner or later. In my case it’s a bit different. You think you know about it, but it really isn’t how it seems from an outsiders view. I have no clue what will happen in the next few week..well I have an idea, but knowing me it will be wrong. And to be honest with you, I have no clue what’s happened in the last few months, it’s been a downhill blur. All I do know is that a) This is not me.. and b) I am anything but happy.

…Twice in one day. Great.

Last few days have been horrible. So many realisations, and moments of such weakness. I wish there was a way out, but I really can’t see how anything would help…Always need what I can’t have -.-

*Added 25th Mar*

Too much has changed. I don’t quite know what to do or say..I think I’ve changed too, but I can’t be sure. 

The type of tears that cause your whole face to feel wet, make your head hurt, nose run like crazy, shake uncontrollably and struggle to breathe.

I just can’t do any of this anymore. None of it’s real. None of it matters. I can’t carry on with all of this weight on my shoulders. 

I’m broken. And there’s nothing I, or anyone, it seems, can do about it. 

You’ve been changed too much. It’s not who you once were.

Like putty in her hands.

I want to be able to show you, I really do. But I’m scared.

There’s lots of things that I feel I need to do. Like earlier. I really should’ve said why things are how they are. But I couldn’t. It would have been mean and selfish of me if I had. Although now I really feel like I should have.. 

And you. I will tell you eventually, because I know that I have to. It’s just getting the courage, and finding the right words to.

*Added 26th Mar*

Most of today has been good actually. Just the thoughts of what I need to say to you, and can’t seem to find the courage to, because I’m scared of what you’ll say, and how you’ll react. Then I need to tell you things too…but I can’t make you feel like that, I’d make things worse.

Then there’s the thoughts. The ones that come late at night, that I can’t seem to stop, but at least for now I can control them, even if it takes a lot out of me.

…Okays evenings not so good anymore.. No clue why it comes over me like this. Gonna curl up and try and have a cry, to stop myself.

*Added 28th Mar*

It’s this growing anger that’s building inside of me, trying to burst free. It makes me think of doing bad things, which I obviously don’t want to do, but I feel that if I continue letting it build up inside of me, I’ll have no choice but to be taken over by it. I have to take deep breaths trying to win the internal battle, but it doesn’t normally work that easily. It’s inside my head. It’s inside my all. It knows how I work, and how to try and overcome my barriers. There’s not much else I can do.

Tonight is your fault. I blame it all on your head. 

*Added 1st Apr*

I don’t understand.

I’m not in a creative mood, I can’t remember things I’ve learnt recently, I’m unable to answer simple questions and I’m snapping at people for no reason. What is this? I can’t even chill because there’s no wifi to msn people or watch shows online and my minds too busy for me to read. All I can do is write.

I hate the inbetween/ almost feeling I keep getting. I can feel behind my eyes that tears are ready to fall, and sometimes even my eyes water. My forehead crinkles and my lips pout. Then nothing. There’s not even a reason for me crying. Nothing’s upset me, I’m just generally sad.

I never used to be like this. I was the happy one. It was rare that I got upset, and if I did, it wasn’t for long. But this is hours, if not days of sadness. It’s as is, this year, something just clicked inside my head and decided I needed to feel like this. I’m fed up of it. I’ve had 4 months, and I feel like I can’t cope with it. I’m questioning too many of the things around me; closing in on myself. At night I’ve found myself curling up tightly like I’m trying to will myself to disappear. But I know that that’s impossible, so it’s some kind of small comfort - not that it helps. Nothing can anymore. I just have to suffer in silence, until I give in, cry myself to sleep after however long passes. It’s hard just to sleep with all the thoughts now, making me question if I did something different, would I still feel like this?

Holding things when the anger is near the surface causes me to squeeze them tightly, be them objects. or myself. It causes my skin to hurt - but my brain doesn’t care. It causes my muscles to react - to squeeze tighter. it starts the thoughts. Telling me to break whatever it is, even if it is part of myself. I’m not sure when this started, but it scares me. Where did the anger come from? Why would I think these things? and how can I make them stop? I already know one way, but that’s not one that I wish to dwell upon. I don’t want to go back to that. I need to be stronger than that. And if I do, it means I need to tell them. One will be disappointed, one will be upset for me and the last will be shocked. That’s not a conversation that I wish to start. Ever.

I have you guys to help me through this. But when I’m by myself, with no way of reaching you, or my mind’s being too stubborn to try, I never know what to do. I end up a mess on the floor, crying it out of my system. It’s not the way I want things to be.

I miss how things used to be.

I mean that in many ways, not just the ones that whoever you are reading this think.

Our relationship all those years ago; before him. We used to be so close, I could tell you anything.

How you were, before all the drama, and I realised you for the real twat you are.

How close the group was, and how there was always someone there to talk to.

How close we used to be. Pretty much like brother and sister you used to say. But before you changed; when you’d help me with anything and tease me to cheer me up.

How easy things were with you.

How things were before realising those little things that now mean I now can’t look at you in the same way.

How simple things seemed.

The time before these thoughts filled my head.

When you were strong.

The smile that I couldn’t keep off my face.

That feeling inside.

How you actually noticed me, and listened to how I feel.

That last one is probably one of the most important. You used to do that, but it’s far from that now. I know that I act like I don’t care as much, but to be honest, I care and need you more. I get ignored and talked over regularly, which just makes me think that there’s no point of me even talking to start with if you’re not going to listen - so I’ve started talking less. The things I’ve told you, for me, have been hard to say, because I know they’re not what you want to hear. I’ve said that you’re but a portion of the big picture, but I’m beginning to realise that I think you’re the main reason. You say you agree with me one minute, and that you’re sorry that I feel the way I do, then turn around and do the unexpected - which I guess now has become expected for you. You make me believe that you won’t, but you always do anyway, despite how I feel about it all. I hate being down stairs anymore, because I know you’ll both be there. It’s horrible. You remind me of thing that I don’t want to think about, which both sadden and anger me at once. Then I see him. Think of all the things he’s done - I can’t look him in the eye anymore, or take into account much of what he says. And I think of how easy it is for you to forgive each and every time, after demanding that you won’t. I don’t understand it. At all. I stay clear to stop certain feelings and thoughts occurring. But being alone doesn’t really help me either. Although you wouldn’t know because all you’ve been doing recently is going out with him everyday, leaving me to wake up to find that I’m completely alone. Just great considering I get so paranoid and anxious. Not that you’d know that either. We’re not close anymore, so I don’t tell you as much as I used to. I’d worry you, then you’d suffocate me with checking on me, and making me sit downstairs with you, which would make things worse. You’re blind to how he’s already started to control you, how arrogant he is, and however much you wish, he isn’t going to change. This is who he is. There’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve already told you this, but I guess you’ve forgotten, like all the other things I’ve told you recently. All you have room for now is what he has to say. The only place that feels homely to me no is my room. It’s like I’m only lodging here now, eating with you, and making conversation when I have to. I want out, because I am not happy here, and I know that I won’t be there either. I need to be on my own.

*Added 27th Apr*

Okay, such a mixed day. Most was good. But then it got to the point where everything hurt, my legs, my chest, my head. And after that brief encounter, it left me questioning how I was really feeling about it all. Until last lesson. That was crappy. I swear you never spoke like that before… Whether you did or not, I don’t like it. I don’t want you talking to me like that. Then they started; those feelings. Added on with what my mind was thinking, and how my body felt at the time. I can’t believe I feel that way again. I hate it. The yearn that I felt was horrible - but it was there. It made me ball my hands into fists, trying to keep myself together. Not concentrating on what miss was saying at all - just on breathing deeply, and not loosing it. It actually looked like you cared for a second. But to be honest, I don’t know anymore. It’s like I don’t even know you now.

Brief time of a good mood. Then like this again. I know that you really don’t mean to, but you end up taking things out on me, as if it’s my fault, when I haven’t done anything at all. I want to be able to help, but you don’t even give me the chance. 

*Added 6th May*

(Early morning..1ish)

What an up and down day. I don’t think I can even write about it this time. It’s too hard for me to do. On one side, it’s gotten to the worse outcome, the one I never wanted to happen - but it has. Then on the other, the circuit is churning the same old shit into my life. You’re trying to tell me that it won’t keep happening, but it’s bullshit. You should know that by now. I’m not going to go on, because it’s always the same old things, you can more or less guess how I feel, and you’ll more than likely be right, except this time; it’s worse.

(Afternoon/evening)

I hate how the excuse I once made, and never really took seriously, has now become my reality. 

But you need to sort yourself out, if you ever want things to be anywhere near like they were before. 

The attitude. The arrogance. The lies. The repetition. The self-centred thoughts.

*Added 10th May*

I can’t believe you’d do that? Like seriously? The one thing you said you wouldn’t do. And you’ve done just that. Again. And then have the cheek to say you don’t want to leave me…SO WHY ARE YOU!?! You won’t even tell me the real reason. It’s obvious that you’re back with him. The phonecalls you think I can’t here, and erm. well maybe the fact that you’re sleeping there! “Oh it’s just because he wants me to look at a place with him”. A) HE’S A BIG BOY HE CAN FUCKING DO IT BY HIMSELF. B) If you really had to go, why not go in the morning? CAUSE YOU’RE BACK TOGETHER AND HAVEN’T GOT THE BALLS TO TELL ME. I’m fed up of the lies and hiding. I’m fed up of being in this house. I’m fed up of these feelings. And last, but by no means least. I’m fed up of you.

* Added 1st June*

Wow. Been a while since I’ve written. 

I’m in an obsoletely terrible mood, and unlike you I actually know how to handle it myself - escape, bringing no one down with me.

Still feeling incredibly guilty about everything that has happened recently. The sheer amount of hurt that you caused me, over and over again had built up, with me not saying a thing until I did. There’s things that I should have said differently. I know that. I shouldn’t have blamed you for everything that I did, you just made my situation worse at the time. In some ways I wish I hadn’t have said what I did, because of how I feel now, but in others I know that I had to get it off of my chest, and if I hadn’t worse things would’ve by other people. And things didn’t work out the way I wished. I wanted this to be the beginning of better things. If not that, an apology at the worst. But not even that happened. Now you two are involved. One dissing my best friends, trying to get me to turn against them, when they’ve done nothing wrong. Then fighting me down, when you don’t even know the whole fucking story!? The other, however much trying not to get involved, slipped up about something that happened ages ago. How could you do that? It’s really not fair. That’s not what you do to people :R. Then you. The main person. You can’t even say those things to my face? Did you not think she’d tell me the things you’ve been saying? You can’t except that I’m right, so instead you’re beating me down, trying to clear your name - not going to happen.

Then there’s you. You know that I’m always going to be here for you; as much as I can be anyway. But you need to try and get a grip. I have my own life, and I’m sorry if things I do upset you. But I don’t do them just to upset you…most I didn’t even realise would, because there’s no reason for them too. I feel that I have to keep thinking before I do things, and whether they’re going to effect you or not. I shouldn’t be living like that. This is my life after all, isn’t it? I can’t do anything to help you, yet you expect me to keep talking to you..which is bringing me down too. I can’t be doing that. I’m supposed to be getting over that period of my life that causes me to write on here. I don’t want to go back to feeling like that all the time, because it was simply horrible for me. Don’t get me wrong, I really do want to help. But I can’t do that if all you do is shoot down my ideas, and complain about there being no hope. And why can’t you even tell me why you’re like this? Is is really only because of the things I do? Because it seems to me that at the moment, it’s because I’ve started talking to people more. That can’t be a reason, if it is. Am I not allowed to talk to other people, who happen to be cheering me up, just because it’s upsetting you? You need to grow up and realise that things aren’t always going to go your way, because if you’re getting so down other this, God help you when you’re older.

I don’t want to be ill anymore. I’m fed up of sniffles and wanting to stay in bed, when I’m not allowed to. It sucks. I feel like doing nothing atm. And I want to get out of this mood. Those reasons aren’t really big reasons..I need to get over it. But I can’t.

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